My Visit to Sacred Heart Hospital

INT. DAY
Sacred Heart Hospital. Staff Rec Room.

J.D. and TURK are sprawled on the couch. An episode of Sesame Street is on the TV. J.D is holding the remote.

J.D: I don’t know. I want to spend time with Elliot but I need a little J.D time too. I come home from work and she’s there. I come into the hospital and she’s there. We have sex and she’s there…

TURK: Sounds to me like you need some time to think man. Look at things from a different angle.

J.D: I think you’re right chocolate bear. (Looks to the TV) Do you think the other Muppets know that Grover and Super Grover are the same person?

TURK: Nah of course not bro. Super Grover wears a cape and a helmet. Muppets aren’t as smart as they look.

J.D: Surely Big Bird would know..?

TURK: (shakes head sadly)

J.D is devastated. LUKE appears in the doorway

LUKE: ‘Scuse guys where can I find… hey cool, Super Grover.

Luke enters and sits on the couch with J.D and Turk

LUKE: I love it when he flies.

TURK: Flying is the shiz.

LUKE: The shiz niz!

J.D: Amen playa!

J.D and Luke simultaneously attempt a high five and handshake movements that results in an awkward display of uncoordinated movements. Turk shakes his head in mock disgust.

LUKE (diverting attention): I wish I was Super Grover. I could fly anywhere I wanted. Anywhere at all!

J.D looks up and begins to daydream.

EXT. Day
J.D imagines himself flying through the sky with a cape and helmet a la Super Grover. He flies over mountains and salutes to waving mountain climbers. He zooms past a jet and smiles at the impressed passengers. He flies over Sacred Heart and sees Elliot on the roof waving. He flies closer and lands next to her, sweeping her up in a kiss and taking her into the sky.

INT. Day
J.D is sitting on the couch, remote in hand, arms up in a superman flight style, lips pursed into a kiss, body wiggling emulating flight.

TURK: Yo J.D!

J.D realises where he is and sits back sheepishly.

TURK (looks at his watch): Nine minutes. Dude, new daydream record!

J.D: Nice!

Turk and J.D high five. COX storms into the room

COX: Pricilla!

J.D: Doctor Cox!?

COX: Heeerrre’s the deal newbie. Mrs Stevens was just wheeled into the operating room. You know that sweet little old lady who for some reason thinks you’re just about the cutest thing she’s seen since she played dress ups with her daughter and while I’m sure you remind her of a small girl dressed up in a gay sailor costume, for some reason you found it necessary to pro-ho-mise you would be at her bedside before she went into surgery today, which was precisely (looks at watch) oh ten minutes ago, so while you were in here spending time with your better half and your new friend here, I had to listen to your patient cry, “oh where is that sweet little boy? Why isn’t he here? He promised me he’d be here!” All I could say was how much I dislike you, which only made her more upset. So if she sees a tunnel of white light today, chances are she’ll run straight towards it because you ended what little faith she had left in the human race. And now Christina you’re on night shifts for the next two months.

J.D: But Doctor Cox…!

COX (exiting with hand up): Save it newbie. Two months!

J.D (turns to Luke): Damn you and your awesome dreams of flying.

J.D melodramatically turns to leave. Attempts to throw down the TV remote but it stays stuck to his hand. He realises it is glued on.

J.D: Janitor!

J.D exits in a sissy huff clutching the remote.

TURK: (shakes head sadly and looks to the TV) Ooh Elmo!

LUKE: Nice. Now here’s a monster who knows how to deal with the ladies…

TURK: Tell me about it dude.

Make It Happen: Commence Boredom.

Does anyone else feel that Hollywood execs thrive on the joy of peddling out the lamest movie possible? I know for a fact that there is a boardroom in the heart of Hollywood used for show-and-tell sessions where middle-aged white guys spend entire meetings giggling over their new candidate for the crappiest movie of all time and boasting about how many people they can dupe into seeing it. There must be. How else would a movie like Make It Happen make it to the cinemas?

Sure Hollywood has belted out some train wrecks (Speed Racer, Son of the Mask, anything starring Steven Seagal except Under Siege) but this recent onslaught of believe-in-yourself-and-conquer-the-world-through-dance films seems as subtle as a phonebook to the face.

Anyone who has seen Step Up, Step Up 2: The Streets, Honey, Save the Last Dance or pretty much any dance movie ever made has pretty much already seen Make It Happen. It recycles all the usual elements:

• Girl endures hard times (usually a white girl inexplicably a leader/popular member of a poverty stricken black neighbourhood)


• Girl has irrepressible passion for dancing


• Girl irresponsibly risks everything to dance professionally


• Girl becomes champion of the universe and more popular than Paris Hilton and wins the heart of the cute single guy who is a dancer or DJ (and definitely isn’t gay) who simultaneously achieves his greatest dream and they have the best life together ever and all because she wasn’t afraid to dance

And I got all this from watching the trailer for the movie.

"But Make It Happen is totally different to Step Up. It’s not about street dancing, it’s about burlesque dancing! "
- The hordes of misguided teenagers watching this movie

Yeah good point. It’s a slightly different style of dance, so it must be a completely different sort of movie right? Wrong. That’s what they said when they brought out Teen Wolf Too. Hollywood is particularly savvy at this practice. It’s called marketing. Why write a new movie when you can just alter an old one? Change the actors, change the setting and hey bingo you have a brand new movie with a fraction of the effort or skill required of the original.



Also notice how in these dance movies the main actors are white and nearly everyone else is black. This is another marketing strategy from our white friends in the Hollywood boardroom. You’re in the cinema and you say to yourself “this movie feels really edgy” and “hey I can relate to these white characters even though they’re way cooler than me!” but you don’t know why. It’s because they’re surrounded by black people. Hollywood has been doing it for years. Rigid white guys become cooler after spending time with black people. This is textbook Hollywood. White characters leach the cool factor from their black co-stars and make it seem as if they were the cool one all along. See virtually any Eddie Murphy buddy-cop movie for proof.

Q: But why not just have an entirely black cast in dance movies and amp up the cool factor?
A: Because then you wouldn’t get white middle class America/Australia buying oversized tracksuits and getting hooked on So You Think You Can Dance?


Not only are dance movies a blatant marketing exercise, they’re just plain irresponsible. There are some major flaws with promoting dance as a saviour of the downtrodden:

• No one gives you props for breaking into dance in the street


• Dancing will not afford you a ticket on the Hot Tamale Train*


• Not all of life’s hurdles can be overcome with a well-executed pirouette. Try dancing your way out of tax evasion smart ass.
  
  *The Hot Tamale Train is not an actual train. Mary Murphy is a liar.